Have you ever felt bad about your spending and then spent even more money to make yourself feel better? If so, you, my friend, have experienced a spending shame spiral.
While it may seem counterintuitive, spending shame spirals are common because of the way that shame affects our behavior. Shame is an extremely powerful (and unhelpful) emotion. Rather than motivating us to make decisions to reduce our shame, it leads us to take actions that replicate it again and again. Fortunately, there is a way out of the shame spiral.
Recognize the Signs
The first step to getting out of a spending shame spiral is recognizing that you are in one. Everyone’s shame spiral looks a little different but these are common signs:
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You avoid checking your bank account or credit card balances
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You shop online during work hours or late at night
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You start using a credit card that you don’t typically touch
Talk About it ASAP
Shame has the most power when it’s kept quiet. As long as it’s kept hidden away, you can’t shine a light on it and overcome it. In Brene Brown’s famous 2012 TED talk, she said, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” Talking about your shame with a trusted friend or professional opens up a path for empathy.
Stop Applying Moral Judgment
Spending money is morally neutral. We spend money for all kinds of reasons: to get things we need, because we feel obligated, to combat boredom, to make ourselves feel better, because of social pressure, etc. No individual transaction is morally “good” or morally “bad,” but cumulatively, our spending can bring us closer in alignment with our values or lead us further away. Speaking of which…
Reconnect with Your “Why”
Shame spirals keep us stuck in a short-term mindset, but if we only think about the day-to-day, it’s hard to see the point of making a change. Take time to dream about what you want your life to look like long-term. What are you working for? Having a vision—even one that feels lofty and out of reach at the moment—will motivate you to take the next right step.
Commit to One Positive Action
BJ Fogg, the author of Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything, writes, “You change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad.” Just like shame begets more shame, positivity begets more positivity. Focusing on one small action that’s in alignment with your goals can snowball into bigger action down the road. You could start by committing to checking your bank or credit card balances daily or implementing one “no spend” day per week.
