Talking to your partner about mistakes you’ve made can be challenging, especially when you bring finances into the equation. Emotions like shame, fear, and frustration can escalate things exponentially.
To ease the process, here are a few tips that will help facilitate a safe, productive, and even bonding experience:
What to Do When You’ve Made a Mistake
Choose an Intentional Time to Sit Down and Talk
No one likes being ambushed! Especially when they have so many other things on their mind. Instead of springing the news on your partner, ask them when they have 30-40 minutes free so that you can talk to them about finances. Ask in a casual tone, without going into too much detail. If they get curious and pressure you to share in that moment, let them know it can wait and that you’d like to talk when you’re both relaxed and fully present.
Be Proactive, Instead of Reactive
Whether you’ve just recently made a mistake or you’ve been keeping things under wraps for some time, the best thing you can do is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner before they find out. You are more likely to establish and maintain trust with them if they hear about it from you instead of from another source.
Prepare a Plan
Even after making a mistake, you can gain your partner’s respect if you come into the conversation with a plan for how you can move forward in a positive way. You don’t have to have every single detail formulated, but a general direction will show them that you are committed to taking action. If you aren’t sure what actions to take or how to start, consider The Financial Gym Advisors’s one-on-one accountability coaching program. There are individual and couple’s plans available.
What to Do When Your Partner Made a Mistake
Don’t Try to Fix, Just Listen
You might be tempted to share your knowledge or offer advice when your partner shares their financial mistakes, but many times what they’re looking for is to be seen and accepted for their flaws. Practice listening attentively without judging or interrupting them. You can also ask them: “How can I best support you?” or “Are you looking to be heard or would you like help solving this?”
Don’t Shame or Blame
When your partner is opening up to you, they can be in a very vulnerable state. Avoid bringing up past mistakes or blaming them for the state of your finances. If they are coming to you, they already know they’ve messed up. The best thing you can do is to treat them with patience and compassion. You’re more likely to arrive at a long term solution by seeking to understand them instead of attacking.
Monitor Your Language and Tones
If you want them to continue sharing with you in the future, avoid any language or tones that shame or belittle them for their actions. Phrases like “You always do this” or “You’re never going to change” feel like personal attacks and are untrue statements that escalate the tension and halt any productive conversation.
Feeling frustrated with your partner is natural. The best way to communicate it is to state it clearly in a neutral calm tone while reassuring them that you are on the same team. Here’s an example: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, but I still love you and we will figure this out together. Would you like me to help you problem-solve or just hear you out?”
If things get heated, take a break! It’s best to approach this conversation when you are emotionally regulated instead of trying to power through it.
