In honor of World Mental Health Awareness Day, we are sharing a personal story from a client who used shopping as a coping mechanism for her depression.
If you or someone you know has ever struggled with depression, you may be familiar with some of the symptoms: tired, listless, low or no interest in activities previously enjoyed, and suicidal thoughts. A symptom that you may not be as familiar with is overspending. Unfortunately, it took me confronting my depression to realize that this was a major symptom of it for me.
2018 was the most difficult year I’ve had to date. The year started with heartbreak, some credit card debt from an international trip taken at the end of the prior year, and an overwhelming new job. I felt like I was drowning and everything I did was a mistake. I kept beating myself up that I couldn’t get anything right and that I must be unlovable and unworthy of where I was in my life. I tried to restrict and control anything and everything I could as a grasp at dealing with all of those feelings. A couple of months into the year, I finally admitted to myself that I was having suicidal thoughts. I felt as if there wasn’t a way forward or any way I could fix the things in my life that were going so wrong. I started seeing a therapist at that time to talk through what was going on in my head, who diagnosed me as severely depressed and with anxiety. This was a very important first step and one that I desperately needed to take. Although, I wasn’t being completely honest with myself or my therapist about how depression was fully affecting me. I found myself quickly starting to overspend. It started with I felt as if I needed a way to bring some kind of excitement in my life, no matter how fleeting. Maybe I’d get a manicure or buy myself a new pair of jeans. And then grew into bigger things like concert tickets and plane tickets. I remember that it always felt bittersweet. I got the endorphins from buying myself something nice or looking forward to something fun, but it was coupled with the sinking in my gut feeling that I didn’t actually have the money and had dug myself a deeper hole. One of the darkest moments I had during that period was after receiving some bad news. I found myself unconsciously driving to Nordstrom Rack and within a matter of minutes spending close to $700. To this day I couldn’t tell you what I bought, why I bought it, or what I was thinking. I knew that I needed to figure something out, but I felt powerless to do anything.
In 2019, I realized that something needed to change. It started by deciding, with the help of my therapist, that I needed to begin taking depression and anxiety medication. I also started a new job. One where I was compensated fairly with a much more reasonable workload. Additionally, I started to see if I could manage my debt and my budget better. However, it wasn’t until the middle of the year that I realized it was past the point that I could do this on my own. That’s when I contacted The Financial Gym Advisors after seeing an Instagram ad.
From my first meeting with my trainer, I realized that this was the right thing to do. I started out by talking about my goals outside of debt repayment. This made me realize that there really is life after debt. Our second meeting is where it really hit home. I got overwhelmed after seeing all the numbers and the repayment plan laid out in front of me. I remember getting really quiet, feeling so much anger inside, and then just crying. My trainer was really encouraging, but I knew that I needed to bring this up in therapy.
When I brought this up to my therapist, she helped me completely reframe the whole thing. She told me to think of it as a manifestation of my depression, like a sink of dirty dishes or unwashed hair from being too depressed to clean the house or myself. This was something that my illness had caused. Yes, I did still have to pick up the pieces and deal with it, but it didn’t make me a bad person because I had it. And I found that I could in a way mentally separate myself from it. Like a problem to solve, not something that was core to my identity or something that felt like a heavy suitcases that I could never let go of.
Seven months later, I am still as work in progress as we all are, but I’ve made some really big strides. My proudest moment so far has been paying off that Nordstrom card. Seeing that number be $0 after knowing that every dollar on there had been for something associated with that awful time in my life was so liberating. And that final payment came from a surplus in my budget which is something I didn’t know could be a thing before working with my trainer! I know that this new mindset is something that I’m going to need to cultivate, but I’m encouraged with the strides that I’ve taken and knowing that I’m stronger for having sought out help and pushed through the difficulties.
